I’m desperate for any conversation. To be honest, I could talk to a wall; it would mean hearing a voice, even if it is only my own. Tired of wandering the dreary, dark hallways, I enter a room, not expecting it to be so full of people. They seem to be having some kind of party. There was a time when I would’ve driven myself insane trying to talk to them. It didn’t take long for me to realise that they could hear me, but not understand me. Eventually, I understood that my voice and the walls were all I could resonate with. 

Is loneliness something you could get used to? I ask myself this question most days. It’s funny, isn’t it? Loneliness. They say you can be alone, but you don’t have to be lonely. I used to believe this, but now I laugh. Who made this up? They must’ve patted themself on the back for it. Did they think loneliness is something you choose? That one day people just say to themselves, “Ah! I think I will be lonely.” That has never happened. There is no choice. 

What would not being lonely be like? What is the opposite of loneliness? Is there even a word for that? I cannot think of one. There is no use for a word like that. Who isn’t lonely? I look at this room full of people, and I can’t comprehend that any of them isn’t lonely. Loneliness is a function of being. Can one be without loneliness?

The word is fascinating. There is something negative about it, don’t you think? Lonely, like a child without friends or an old man who has lost everyone he once held dear. It’s a lot to think about. But there is another word that describes a similar state. Solitude. Now this is fortifying. This makes me think of a saint meditating on a mountain, or a woman, glistening and content, on a trek. I think solitude is a mountain thing. I’m not sure you can find such a feeling elsewhere. Yes, I’m sure of that. Solitude is a mountain thing. While loneliness is a very plain thing. 

So where do I reside? Is it Solitude or Loneliness? I couldn’t tell you.